Chuckling Chicken naval gazes

Hey mofos

How ya livin? Large, I hope. Life is good on my end, except I can only breathe out of one nostril right now. You really don’t appreciate both nostrils till it comes down to it. Here’s my little reminder for you to be grateful for the use of both holes! Nose holes that is. Hell, let’s just take stock of what all of our holes do for us. I’m all about ~practicing hole gratitude~

Been riddled with anxiety lately, which is lame and played. Everyone has anxiety, and mine’s not that bad, so I can’t even write a long post about it on Facebook.com! I do love spiraling and am very good at it, could go pro. Recent spiraling has been mostly focused on what I’m doing with my life. I’m 23 so I get that’s just par for the course. No one hates sounding like a whiny youth more than me, but I don’t know man, I’m over-thinking everything all the time and it’s starting to wear on me. Tried listening to a meditation app but the guy’s overly-calm voice filled me with a murderous rage, which is not what I was going for when I downloaded the app. Also have been putting on those Korean sheet-masks thinking they will act as a soothing balm for my anxiety. Turns out they are mostly good for Instagram selfies and making my face feel like its covered in a goopy jizz-like substance. What I really need is to eat better, to exercise more, to have Marie Kondo come to my apartment and fuck my shit UP!

 Stand-up is good, and Laugh Factory put me on their Youtube channel, which is pretty gosh darn neat. The video has gotten me some attention online, specifically from a gentleman named 420bro69 who thinks I’m cute and could make me my own weed strains. Gotta tell my boyfriend that I love him but this is an impossible offer to pass up.  Anyways I’m always working on backup plans, in case I fail at standup, which is a realistic thing to plan for. Here are the top fallback options I’ve concocted:

·      Become a complicated girl who works at an art gallery, wears fashionable hats, and posts moody things on Instagram

·      Open a bar and become a year-round local in the Wisconsin Dells, the waterpark capital of the world. Something about being a year-round local in a vacation town sounds right up my ally. I’d be tan during the summer, and my cleavage would wrinkle, but I’d be content.

·      Get an office job that I’m miserable at, buy a house in the suburbs with a Jacuzzi and a basement bar. Would get monogrammed Margarita glasses and host book club while a gnawing feeling of resentment eats away at me

·      Travel around with Renaissance fairs

·       Get really into new-agey bullshit and move to Santa Fe, work at a crystal healing shop and swindle young white girls into spending lotsa their hard earned cash on rocks!

·      Ghost walk tour guide

 All in all, life is good, even though I’m a lil worry-wart. Currently eatin a delicious panini and thinking about how good mustard is, how I’ve really come to appreciate it.

 If you live in CHICAGO, come to High Dive every Thursday at 8:30! It’s a very fun bar show in Ukrainian Village with great talent and delicious wings. Also, come to Comedians You Should Know every Wednesday at 9:30! I am helping out with this great show for the next 6 months, and am v excited to be a part of it.

 MUCH LOVE,

Lael

Chuckling Chicken in the sky

Hi! 

So I'm in the sky right now. The goddamn sky! Flying home for Christmas, balled out hard and bought in-flight wifi. Feelin' like royalty! Thought I'd email you PEASANTS ON THE GROUND!! 

The flight attendant seems very nice but she has had a tremendous amount of plastic surgery done so her face might just be frozen into that smile. Maybe she's filled with rage! She gave me some Maple Wafer cookies and lemme tell you, these things are like crack. Like crack, I say! I dipped one of these delicious little treats into my coffee and y'all, pardon my french, but I almost creamed my jeans. 

My flight was delayed so I read trashy magazines and watched people. I like milling around airports, like Tom Hanks in The Terminal. I think my favorite thing to do is wander around. I've spent hours in Big Targets, wandering around smelling all the candles and shampoos. I love a big, sprawling, suburban Target. City Targets have no charm. The best Target I've ever been to is the Super Target in Mishawaka, Indiana. The closer you are to the center of the country, and the farther away you are from a city, the better a Target is. In college, when I was feeling sad and deeply alone, I would go there and waste my day. The most beautiful sunset I've ever seen was in the parking lot of that Super Target, and I've been to Africa! 

I am from the east coast but I like the Midwest. Well, I like Chicago. But I like Midwestern things. I like egg bakes and casseroles and middle-aged ladies with bosoms that make you feel safe. I love those Snackwell cookies, the cookies ladies on diets eat. I like gas station oasis's and chain department stores. 

I am lucky because small things make me happy. Right now, it's eggs. I am obsessed with eggs. I eat them over-easy, on toast with butter or jam, sometimes both if I am feeling like a bad bitch. I spend a lot of my alone time making or procuring eggs. I poach eggs in the microwave, fry ‘em on the stove. Fried eggs are nearly impossible to mess up, because if the yolk breaks who gives a flyin’ fuck! You have a half-scrambled, half fried egg then. Throw some salt and pepper on it. It’s an egg being cooked in butter, it’ll be good. Life is good. 

Eggs make everything better. They are yellow and cheerful and if you go to a Hibachi restaurant the chef might let you crack one on their spatula. If you crack it right, your friends will cheer! If you flub, they will laugh, but then you will have a lovely memory with your friends about how you really miffed your egg moment at Benihana.  

If you wanna reply, shoot me an email with the happiest moment from your week! Is that lame? I don't care! 

xoxo

Chuckling Chicken - NUMBAH 2

Hey friends!

 Welcome to the second installment of the Chuckling Chicken newsletter. Not many responses on the first installment, so I’m gonna go ahead and assume y’all did not enjoy it. But we’re back and I think this one is where I’m gonna ~~find my voice~~  

 Looking for a job because I’m tired of being a listless waste-of-space. Right now I’m just putzing around. Went to the aquarium with my boyfriend and watched the Dolphin Show. It was actually called the Land and Water Show but the Dolphins were the real stars, we all knew that going in. There was also a cute fat sea lion (he was probably normal size for sea lion but looked like a fatty sea dog!) who scooched on stage. We all cheered and hollered when we saw the fatty sea dog. He must have been proud of himself later that night. "Good show today, really good show" he must have thought to himself as he looked in the mirror. "They loved you. You should love you too." He said to his reflection, teary-eyed. 

There were penguins too and they were funny, got distracted by the crowd and didn’t march like they were supposed to. I liked these little guys but penguins are technically birds and birds are always on my shit list. 

The main animal on my shit-list currently is a small yippy dog who lives above me named Buddy. Buddy barks, consistently, for hours, while his owners are gone. He usually chooses mornings after Laelo had a couple glasses of vino the night before to bark for an eternity. I go insane when he barks. I yell "SHUT UP BUDDY!" into the vents hoping he will listen but he does not listen. It only makes him bark more. He knows what he is doing to me and he gets off on it. This might be an unpopular opinion but all dogs under 20 pounds are useless, yippy, nightmares and should be federally banned. 

 Other than besmirching the dog, I truly have nothing going on. Fell into a YouTube hole about people who live in Tiny Houses. I hate-watched hours of clips chronicling white couples with dreadlocks who buy tiny houses so they can take them to the Himalayas or some shit. This is my people’s culture and it makes me SICK! One couple was like, “Part of living in a tiny home is that people will judge you. But the people who judge just are just jealous that you are bucking convention and doing something different with your life." As I watched, judging, I looked internally and wondered if my judgement was because I was jealous. It wasn't. 

Hope you are all doing great. Everyone has problems but I hope yours are less serious than most. 

Love you bye!

Chuckling Chicken Newsletter - NUMBAH ONE

Hey! 

Welcome to my newsletter, bitches! Sorry to call you all bitches right away. It is a tick of mine, like Jesse from Breaking Bad. I like adding bitches to the end of a sentence, it’s good punctuation.

So I’m starting a newsletter and you select group of beauties elected to hear more from me. My constant tweeting, instagramming, texting my friends, standing on stage with a microphone and forcing people to listen to me isn’t enough!! I need my thoughts to be constantly heard and read or I will wither and die.

The newsletter’s official name is the Chuckling Chicken Newsletter because in college I had a blog called Chuckling Chicken. YES, I had a blog in college and YES I am bragging about it! I fancied myself a real Carrie-Bradshaw-type except I didn’t get laid which is sort of the whole point. Real wonder I didn’t get laid with a blog called Chuckling Chicken!

Anyways since the blog was disbanded I’ve gotten laid but I’ve also aligned myself with chicken in a rather significant way. I am known for loving chicken. A chicken connoisseur! It has some odd side effects. I am tagged in all things chicken on Facebook, Instagram etc. I’m seeing the chicken news before everyone else. I’m on the front lines. I’m tagged in several videos online where I take big bites out of chicken sandwiches and my friends laugh in the background. Are they laughing with me or at me? Can’t tell. My friend replaced my name into the Popeyes jingle. (“Lael loves chicken from Popeyes”). Someone told me I should sell chicken out of a bucket as my merch after standup shows! It’s come to the point where I must decide if I want to continue with the chicken thing. Is this what I want to be associated with for the rest of my life? Do I want to be known as the chicken lady?!

I do, alright? I DO! I’m leaning in.

I am doing a newsletter because I am lazy and it seems low-pressure enough that I could sort of taper off and not do it and it wouldn't matter.  Also my friend Jason has one that is great and rather than produce my own original ideas I prefer to glom onto the original ideas of others. Much easier! 

So yeah God came to me in a vision and told me to create more content. Sort of a bummer message from God but I’m running with it.

CHICAGO – you should come to High Dive every Thursday! Great bar show with great wings. Show is free wings are cheap! Chicago and Damen. 

If you are a comic I host Lottie’s on Tuesdays and the Comedy Bar B-Stage Mic on Saturdays! Come sign up and hang out with me!

Follow my new Instagram @laelswellnessjourney! It’s satire and approximately 6 people haven’t realized that and I don't love what that might mean about my personality. 

This is long-winded and if you hate it I’ll take you off the list but that will require you telling me to take you off which would be pretty cold. Eventually I might have an unsubscribe button but I will still know who you are! I’d say you let em pile up in your inbox before unsubscribing but hey that’s just me.

 Ok I’m done. Love you, bye!