Chuckling Chicken in the sky


So I'm in the sky right now. The goddamn sky! Flying home for Christmas, balled out hard and bought in-flight wifi. Feelin' like royalty! Thought I'd email you PEASANTS ON THE GROUND!! 

The flight attendant seems very nice but she has had a tremendous amount of plastic surgery done so her face might just be frozen into that smile. Maybe she's filled with rage! She gave me some Maple Wafer cookies and lemme tell you, these things are like crack. Like crack, I say! I dipped one of these delicious little treats into my coffee and y'all, pardon my french, but I almost creamed my jeans. 

My flight was delayed so I read trashy magazines and watched people. I like milling around airports, like Tom Hanks in The Terminal. I think my favorite thing to do is wander around. I've spent hours in Big Targets, wandering around smelling all the candles and shampoos. I love a big, sprawling, suburban Target. City Targets have no charm. The best Target I've ever been to is the Super Target in Mishawaka, Indiana. The closer you are to the center of the country, and the farther away you are from a city, the better a Target is. In college, when I was feeling sad and deeply alone, I would go there and waste my day. The most beautiful sunset I've ever seen was in the parking lot of that Super Target, and I've been to Africa! 

I am from the east coast but I like the Midwest. Well, I like Chicago. But I like Midwestern things. I like egg bakes and casseroles and middle-aged ladies with bosoms that make you feel safe. I love those Snackwell cookies, the cookies ladies on diets eat. I like gas station oasis's and chain department stores. 

I am lucky because small things make me happy. Right now, it's eggs. I am obsessed with eggs. I eat them over-easy, on toast with butter or jam, sometimes both if I am feeling like a bad bitch. I spend a lot of my alone time making or procuring eggs. I poach eggs in the microwave, fry ‘em on the stove. Fried eggs are nearly impossible to mess up, because if the yolk breaks who gives a flyin’ fuck! You have a half-scrambled, half fried egg then. Throw some salt and pepper on it. It’s an egg being cooked in butter, it’ll be good. Life is good. 

Eggs make everything better. They are yellow and cheerful and if you go to a Hibachi restaurant the chef might let you crack one on their spatula. If you crack it right, your friends will cheer! If you flub, they will laugh, but then you will have a lovely memory with your friends about how you really miffed your egg moment at Benihana.  

If you wanna reply, shoot me an email with the happiest moment from your week! Is that lame? I don't care!