Chuckling Chicken naval gazes

Hey mofos

How ya livin? Large, I hope. Life is good on my end, except I can only breathe out of one nostril right now. You really don’t appreciate both nostrils till it comes down to it. Here’s my little reminder for you to be grateful for the use of both holes! Nose holes that is. Hell, let’s just take stock of what all of our holes do for us. I’m all about ~practicing hole gratitude~

Been riddled with anxiety lately, which is lame and played. Everyone has anxiety, and mine’s not that bad, so I can’t even write a long post about it on Facebook.com! I do love spiraling and am very good at it, could go pro. Recent spiraling has been mostly focused on what I’m doing with my life. I’m 23 so I get that’s just par for the course. No one hates sounding like a whiny youth more than me, but I don’t know man, I’m over-thinking everything all the time and it’s starting to wear on me. Tried listening to a meditation app but the guy’s overly-calm voice filled me with a murderous rage, which is not what I was going for when I downloaded the app. Also have been putting on those Korean sheet-masks thinking they will act as a soothing balm for my anxiety. Turns out they are mostly good for Instagram selfies and making my face feel like its covered in a goopy jizz-like substance. What I really need is to eat better, to exercise more, to have Marie Kondo come to my apartment and fuck my shit UP!

 Stand-up is good, and Laugh Factory put me on their Youtube channel, which is pretty gosh darn neat. The video has gotten me some attention online, specifically from a gentleman named 420bro69 who thinks I’m cute and could make me my own weed strains. Gotta tell my boyfriend that I love him but this is an impossible offer to pass up.  Anyways I’m always working on backup plans, in case I fail at standup, which is a realistic thing to plan for. Here are the top fallback options I’ve concocted:

·      Become a complicated girl who works at an art gallery, wears fashionable hats, and posts moody things on Instagram

·      Open a bar and become a year-round local in the Wisconsin Dells, the waterpark capital of the world. Something about being a year-round local in a vacation town sounds right up my ally. I’d be tan during the summer, and my cleavage would wrinkle, but I’d be content.

·      Get an office job that I’m miserable at, buy a house in the suburbs with a Jacuzzi and a basement bar. Would get monogrammed Margarita glasses and host book club while a gnawing feeling of resentment eats away at me

·      Travel around with Renaissance fairs

·       Get really into new-agey bullshit and move to Santa Fe, work at a crystal healing shop and swindle young white girls into spending lotsa their hard earned cash on rocks!

·      Ghost walk tour guide

 All in all, life is good, even though I’m a lil worry-wart. Currently eatin a delicious panini and thinking about how good mustard is, how I’ve really come to appreciate it.

 If you live in CHICAGO, come to High Dive every Thursday at 8:30! It’s a very fun bar show in Ukrainian Village with great talent and delicious wings. Also, come to Comedians You Should Know every Wednesday at 9:30! I am helping out with this great show for the next 6 months, and am v excited to be a part of it.

 MUCH LOVE,

Lael